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Practical Fixes for Feeding the Dog and Throwing Food Without Confrontation

When your loved one with dementia feeds the dog from the table or throws food, it's easy to feel frustrated and resort to saying 'no' or 'stop.' But these behaviors are not intentional misbehavior; they are signals of unmet needs or confusion. This article gives you concrete, step-by-step ways to handle these situations without confrontation, by removing the obstacle, redirecting attention, and adjusting the environment. You'll find real phrases to say, tools to use, and personalized advice for different stages and settings.

Key points

  • Do not confront or correct. Remove the obstacle instead.
  • Remove the dog from the room before meals to prevent feeding.
  • Serve small portions and use divided plates to reduce throwing.
  • Use distraction with a warm tone: 'Can I have that?' or 'Look at this photo.'
  • Hide tempting items and use a bell on the fridge to alert you.
  • Keep a behavior log to identify triggers and patterns.

Why Does This Happen?

Your loved one is not trying to be difficult. In dementia, the brain loses the ability to reflect on behavior or control impulses. When they feed the dog from their plate, they may be acting on a memory of sharing food with a pet, or they may simply not recognize that the food on their plate is meant for them. Throwing food can be a response to frustration, sensory overload, or a way to communicate that they don't like the taste or texture. As one expert explains, 'somebody with dementia can't reflect on their unacceptable behavior and it's not something that they're doing on purpose.' The key is to stop seeing it as a problem to be corrected and start seeing it as a puzzle to be solved.

The Core Strategy: Remove the Obstacle, Not the Person

The most effective approach is to change the environment so the behavior becomes impossible or unnecessary. Instead of repeatedly saying 'don't feed the dog,' which only creates strain and frustration, you remove the dog from the room during meals. Or you serve food in a way that makes throwing less likely. This is called 'removing the obstacle.' It respects your loved one's dignity and avoids the power struggles that come with direct confrontation. As one care expert puts it, 'rather than constantly correcting the person with dementia and saying don't feed the dog, what you want to do is remove the obstacle altogether.'

Why Confrontation Backfires

When you tell someone with dementia 'stop that' or 'no,' they may not be able to process the instruction. Their brain is not wired to take in a correction and change behavior in the moment. Instead, they may feel attacked, confused, or defensive, which can escalate into agitation or even aggression. Physical contact during an outburst is especially risky because it can trigger a catastrophic reaction. The goal is to avoid escalating the situation. As one source notes, 'try not to confront somebody and whatever you do don't initiate physical contact during an outburst because that's going to escalate it.'

The ABCs of Behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence

A helpful framework is to look at what happens right before the behavior (the antecedent), the behavior itself, and what happens after (the consequence). For example, if your loved one throws bread, the antecedent might be that the bread is visible on the counter. The behavior is throwing it. The consequence might be you picking it up and scolding them. By changing the antecedent (hiding the bread) or the consequence (ignoring the behavior and redirecting), you can reduce the behavior without confrontation. This is called the ABC approach, and it's a powerful tool for caregivers.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Remove the dog from the room before meals. Put the dog in another room, outside, or in a crate. This eliminates the opportunity to feed the dog without saying a word. Do this before your loved one sits down to eat.

  2. If your loved one throws food, serve only small portions at a time. Put one or two bites on the plate at a time. If they throw it, there is less mess and less waste. You can also serve food in a bowl with a lid or a divided plate with high sides.

  3. Use distraction before the behavior starts. If you see them reaching for food to throw, immediately offer a different activity. Say 'Oh, can I have a piece of that bread?' or 'Let's look at this photo album together.' Changing the subject with a pleasant activity can prevent the behavior.

  4. Hide tempting items. If bread is frequently thrown, put it in the back of the fridge or in a cabinet out of sight. Place a bell on the refrigerator door so you hear when it's opened. This gives you a chance to intervene before the behavior occurs.

  5. Check the trash can regularly. If your loved one throws away good food that is still wrapped, get in the habit of checking the trash after each meal. You can retrieve the item without them knowing. This avoids confrontation and reduces waste.

  6. Serve finger foods that are easy to eat and less likely to be thrown. Cut food into bite-sized pieces before serving. Offer sandwiches, vegetable sticks, or fruit slices. This reduces frustration and the urge to throw.

  7. Use a plastic cup with a lid for drinks to prevent spills. If throwing drinks is an issue, serve only small amounts at a time. Use a weighted cup or a cup with a non-slip base to make it harder to throw.

  8. If the behavior happens at a specific time of day, plan a calming activity during that time. For example, if throwing happens during dinner prep, have your loved one sit at the table with a simple puzzle or a coloring book while you cook. This keeps their hands busy and reduces the chance of throwing.

  9. After the behavior, do not scold or argue. Simply clean up quietly and redirect to something else. Say 'Let's go for a walk' or 'Would you like some music?' This teaches nothing but avoids escalation.

  10. Keep a behavior log. Write down what happened before, during, and after the behavior. Note the time, what was happening, who was there, and what you did. Over time, you may see patterns that help you prevent the behavior.

What not to do

  • Do not say 'No, stop that' or 'Don't feed the dog.' This only creates strain and frustration. Instead, remove the dog from the room before meals.

  • Do not argue or try to reason. Your loved one cannot reflect on their behavior. Arguing will only escalate the situation. Instead, use distraction or change the subject.

  • Do not grab or physically stop them. Physical contact during an outburst can trigger aggression. Instead, step back and give them space, then redirect.

  • Do not take the behavior personally. This is not about you. It is a symptom of the disease. Remind yourself that they are doing the best they can.

  • Do not leave tempting items in plain sight. If bread is thrown, hide it. If the dog is present, remove the dog. Change the environment instead of trying to change the person.

Practical tools

  • The 'Can I have that?' Redirect

    When you see your loved one about to throw food or feed the dog, immediately say with a warm tone: 'Oh, can I have a piece of that bread?' or 'Would you like to give that to me?' This redirects their action to a positive interaction with you. It works because it does not correct them; it offers a different way to complete the action.

  • The Bell on the Fridge

    Attach a small bell to the refrigerator door. When your loved one opens it, you will hear the bell and can go to the kitchen to see what they are doing. This gives you a chance to intervene before they throw food or take something out. It is a simple, low-cost environmental cue.

  • The Divided Plate with High Sides

    Use a plate with built-in dividers and raised edges. This makes it harder for food to be pushed off the plate. It also helps with portion control. Serve only one or two items at a time to reduce overwhelm.

  • The 'Just One Bite' Approach

    Serve food in very small portions, one bite at a time. Put a single piece of chicken or a small spoonful of mashed potatoes on the plate. If they throw it, there is minimal mess. You can then offer another bite. This reduces waste and frustration.

  • The Photo Album Distraction

    Keep a photo album or a simple activity book near the dining area. If you see signs of agitation or the urge to throw, immediately bring out the album and say 'Look at these pictures from our trip to the beach.' This can shift their focus and prevent the behavior.

  • The 'Check the Trash' Habit

    Make it a routine to check the trash can after each meal. If you find good food that was thrown away, simply retrieve it without comment. This avoids confrontation and saves food. Over time, you may notice patterns (e.g., they always throw bread) and can adjust by hiding that item.

Discuss with your clinician

If your loved one is throwing food because they are refusing to eat and losing weight, discuss with their doctor or a registered dietitian. There may be an underlying medical issue, such as a swallowing problem, dental pain, or a medication side effect.

If the throwing behavior is accompanied by aggression (hitting, biting, or kicking), discuss with a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist. There may be a need for medication adjustment or a different behavioral approach.

If your loved one is feeding the dog food that could be harmful to the pet (e.g., chocolate, grapes, onions), discuss with a veterinarian. You may need to adjust the dog's diet or keep the dog completely separate during meals.

If the behavior is causing significant stress for you as a caregiver, discuss with a social worker or counselor. They can help you find respite care or support groups.

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