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Stepping Into Their Shoes: How Taking the Person’s Perspective Reduces Your Frustration When They Do Something Unsafe

When your loved one does something unsafe—like wandering toward the door at night, trying to use the stove, or hiding a wallet—it’s natural to feel a flash of frustration or even panic. But that frustration often comes from seeing the behavior as intentional or as a personal failure. This article helps you reframe the moment: the person with dementia is not trying to make your life harder; they are responding to a world that feels confusing, scary, or out of control. By taking their perspective, you can replace frustration with understanding, find safer ways to respond, and protect your relationship. You’ll find concrete steps, exact phrases to say, and practical tools to make this shift—even in the middle of a stressful situation.

Key points

  • Frustration drops when you stop seeing the behavior as intentional and start seeing it as a symptom of the disease.
  • Always validate the emotion first: ‘You seem worried’ is more effective than ‘You can’t do that.’
  • Join their reality instead of correcting it—this reduces agitation and builds trust.
  • Use a ‘Safety Distraction Kit’ to redirect without confrontation.
  • Track behaviors to find patterns and prevent unsafe situations before they start.
  • Take care of your own emotional needs: a calm caregiver is the best safety tool.

Why Frustration Rises When Safety Is at Stake

When your loved one does something unsafe—like trying to leave the house alone, turning on the stove, or hiding a sharp object—your brain immediately goes into protective mode. That’s a good thing: you want to keep them safe. But the problem is that your protective instinct often gets tangled up with frustration, especially if you’ve already told them not to do it, or if you’ve cleaned up the same mess twice. You might think, ‘They’re doing this on purpose,’ or ‘They don’t care about my help.’ That thought pattern is what makes your frustration spike. According to the Dementia Careblazers, when you believe your loved one is deliberately making your life harder, you feel more frustrated—and that frustration only makes them more agitated in return. The key is to recognize that the unsafe behavior is not a choice; it’s a symptom of the disease. Their brain is no longer able to process danger the way yours does. They might not remember that the stove is hot, or they might feel an urgent need to ‘go home’ even though they are already home. Understanding this shifts the blame from the person to the disease, and that shift is the first step toward lowering your own frustration.

What It Feels Like From Their Side

Imagine waking up in a place you don’t recognize, with people you don’t remember, and a feeling that something is terribly wrong. Your brain tells you that you need to find your mother, or that you left the baby in the car, or that someone has stolen your wallet. That feeling is real to them—it’s not a delusion, it’s their reality. When you then block their path, take their hand, or say ‘No, you can’t go out,’ they don’t see a loving caregiver; they see an obstacle or even a threat. Their frustration or aggression is not aimed at you personally; it’s a reaction to the fear and confusion they are experiencing. As one source from All Home Care Matters explains, when a person with dementia feels unsafe or upset, their symptoms can actually worsen—they may feel attacked or respond with a meltdown if they think they’re being yelled at. So when you react with frustration, you are adding to their fear, which makes the unsafe behavior more likely to happen again. The goal is to become a calming presence, not another source of stress.

The Real Cost of Frustration: It Hurts Your Relationship

It’s easy to think that a moment of frustration is just a moment—you’ll get over it, and they won’t remember anyway. But research and experience show that people with dementia do remember the emotions they feel around you, even if they forget the specific event. The Dementia Careblazers emphasize that if the primary emotion your loved one feels when you’re around is negative, they will start to resist all your efforts for care more and more. That resistance shows up as agitation, refusal to bathe, or even physical aggression. So your frustration doesn’t just make the current unsafe situation harder—it makes future caregiving harder too. By taking their perspective and responding with calm understanding, you protect the relationship. You also protect yourself from the guilt that often follows a frustrated outburst. The goal is not to be perfect; it’s to practice a new way of seeing the situation so that you can respond from a place of partnership rather than opposition.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Pause and take one slow breath before you react. When you see something unsafe, your first instinct is to rush in and stop it. That’s fine, but before you speak or touch them, take a single deep breath. This gives your brain a moment to shift from panic to problem-solving. As one caregiver expert advises, ‘Take a deep breath and be calm. Think happy thoughts. Smile. He may not understand anything, but he’ll understand your movements.’ Your calm body language will signal safety to them.

  2. Name the emotion you think they are feeling, out loud, in a gentle tone. Say something like, ‘It looks like you’re feeling really worried about something,’ or ‘You seem like you need to find something important.’ This is not about being right; it’s about showing that you are trying to understand. According to the Dementia Success Path, just listening and acknowledging their fear goes a long way in helping them calm down. It also helps you stay in a compassionate mindset instead of a frustrated one.

  3. Join them in their reality rather than correcting them. If they say they need to go home, don’t say ‘You are home.’ Instead, say, ‘Tell me about your home. What do you miss about it?’ If they are trying to leave because they think they need to pick up a child from school, say, ‘I can help with that. Let’s sit down and make a plan together first.’ This approach, recommended by Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care, turns you into a partner rather than an adversary. It reduces their agitation and makes the unsafe behavior less likely to escalate.

  4. Remove the unsafe object or situation without making a big deal about it. If they have a knife or are trying to use the stove, calmly and gently redirect their attention to something else while you secure the item. For example, if they are trying to turn on the stove, you might say, ‘Oh, I was just about to make some tea. Would you like to help me set the table?’ Then, while they are distracted, turn off the stove. The goal is to avoid a confrontation. As the Dementia Careblazers note, removing the obstacle and avoiding the confrontation saves the relationship.

  5. Use a simple, positive statement to redirect their focus. After you’ve acknowledged their feeling, offer a small, easy task or a pleasant activity. For instance, ‘I just noticed the bird feeder is empty. Would you like to come fill it with me?’ or ‘I have some fresh cookies. Let’s go sit and have one.’ A small snack or a simple activity can divert their attention from the unsafe urge. The Dementia Care Hub suggests providing a small snack or a fun activity like looking at a photo album to shift their mood.

  6. If they are already agitated and you cannot redirect, give them space and lower your own voice. Speak more slowly and softly. Avoid making direct eye contact, which can feel threatening. Instead, stand slightly to the side and use a calm, rhythmic tone. You might say, ‘I’m here. We’re safe. Let’s just sit for a minute.’ This is especially important if they are pacing or trying to leave. Your calm presence can be more powerful than any words.

  7. After the situation is resolved, take a moment to document what happened. Write down the time, what they were doing, what you think triggered it, and what worked to calm them. This is not about blame; it’s about pattern recognition. As AlzOrangeCounty advises, keep a record of successful strategies to tailor future approaches. Over time, you will see patterns—maybe they always try to leave after a certain time of day, or when they are hungry. Knowing this helps you prevent the unsafe behavior before it starts.

  8. Give yourself permission to feel frustrated later, in a safe space. After the person is calm and safe, step into another room or outside for a few minutes. Let yourself feel the frustration without guilt. You might say to yourself, ‘That was really hard. I did my best.’ Then, let it go. As Sofia Amirpoor suggests, sometimes you just have to ‘pick it up, ball it up, and throw it like a basketball into the trash can and move on with your life.’ Laughing about the absurdity of the situation can also help release tension.

What not to do

  • Do not argue or try to reason with them about the danger. Saying ‘You can’t go out, it’s dark and cold’ or ‘You already ate dinner’ will only make them more frustrated. They cannot process that logic. Instead, validate their feeling and redirect. Arguing increases agitation for both of you.

  • Do not use a harsh tone or yell. Even if you are scared for their safety, raising your voice will make them feel attacked. They will respond with more fear and resistance. As one source notes, if they think they are being yelled at, they may have a meltdown. Use a soft, slow voice instead.

  • Do not physically block them or grab them without warning. If you suddenly take their arm or stand in front of them, they may perceive it as a threat and react with aggression. Instead, approach from the side, offer your hand gently, and say, ‘Let’s walk together.’

  • Do not try to ‘trick’ them in a way that feels deceitful. For example, hiding their shoes so they can’t go out might work once, but it can erode trust. The goal is to partner with them, not to outsmart them. As AlzOrangeCounty advises, always announce what you are doing—‘This is your medication’—even if you mix it in ice cream. Transparency maintains dignity.

  • Do not take the unsafe behavior personally. It is not about you. They are not trying to make your life harder. The disease is causing this. Repeating this to yourself in the moment can help you stay calm. As the Dementia Careblazers say, ‘We’re not stuck on our frustration and thinking that they’re doing this on purpose.’

  • Do not ignore your own need for a break. If you are already exhausted, your frustration will be much harder to control. Make sure you have a plan for respite—even 15 minutes of quiet time—so that you can approach each situation with a fuller emotional tank.

Practical tools

  • The ‘Join Their Reality’ Script

    Keep this short script in your mind or on your phone: 1) ‘You seem worried about something.’ 2) ‘Tell me about it.’ 3) ‘I can help with that.’ 4) ‘Let’s do this together.’ This script works for almost any unsafe behavior—wandering, trying to use the stove, hiding objects. It acknowledges their feeling, invites them to share, offers partnership, and redirects to a safe activity. Practice it out loud a few times so it feels natural.

  • The ‘Safety Distraction Kit’

    Prepare a small basket or bag with items that can quickly redirect their attention. Include: a soft fidget blanket, a small photo album of familiar faces, a simple puzzle (like a large-piece jigsaw), a favorite snack (like crackers or a piece of fruit), and a comforting object (like a stuffed animal or a soft scarf). When you see an unsafe behavior starting, pull out the kit and say, ‘Oh, I was just looking at this—can you help me with it?’ This gives you a concrete tool to redirect without confrontation.

  • The ‘Evening Wander’ Checklist

    If your loved one tends to wander at night or try to leave the house, use this checklist to prevent it: 1) Ensure they have used the bathroom within the last hour. 2) Offer a small snack before bed. 3) Reduce noise and lights in the evening. 4) Place a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign on the door (some people respond to visual cues). 5) Use childproof doorknob covers or a simple door alarm (like a bell on the handle) so you are alerted if they try to leave. As Dementia With Grace suggests, these environmental changes can significantly reduce stress for both of you.

  • The ‘Emotion Labeling’ Phrase List

    When you feel frustration rising, say one of these phrases out loud to yourself or to them: ‘I see you’re feeling scared.’ ‘This is really confusing, isn’t it?’ ‘You’re trying to take care of something.’ ‘I’m here with you.’ ‘We’ll figure this out together.’ These phrases help you stay in a compassionate mindset and signal safety to your loved one.

  • The ‘One-Minute Gratitude Reset’

    After a difficult moment, take 60 seconds to think of one small positive thing that happened today. Maybe they smiled at you, or you got them to eat a good breakfast, or you managed to stay calm for a few minutes. As Dementia With Grace notes, practicing gratitude daily makes you more resilient to the hard patches. This tool is not about ignoring the problem; it’s about giving your brain a break from frustration so you can keep going.

  • The ‘Behavior Tracking Log’ Template

    Create a simple log with columns: Date, Time, What Happened (unsafe behavior), What Might Have Triggered It (hunger, fatigue, noise, time of day), What I Did, What Worked. Fill it out for a week. You will likely see patterns—for example, they always try to leave at 4 PM, which is when they used to pick up kids from school. Once you see the pattern, you can proactively offer a snack or a walk at 3:30 PM to prevent the unsafe urge. This is a tool used in memory care, as noted by AlzOrangeCounty.

Discuss with your clinician

If the unsafe behavior involves trying to leave the house repeatedly or wandering, ask the doctor about a referral to a memory care specialist or an occupational therapist for a home safety assessment.

If the person becomes physically aggressive when you try to redirect them, discuss with the clinician whether there might be an underlying medical cause—such as a urinary tract infection, pain, or medication side effect—that is making the behavior worse.

If you are considering using door alarms, bed alarms, or GPS tracking devices, ask the doctor or a social worker about the best options for your loved one’s stage and safety needs.

If you feel that your own frustration is leading to thoughts of harming yourself or the person, seek immediate help from a crisis line or your doctor. Caregiver burnout is serious and treatable.

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