EverydayArticle link

staying connected as a long-distance caregiver

Key points

  • Connection is about feeling, not content. A short, calm video call or a simple letter can be more powerful than a long, confusing conversation.
  • Build a partnership with facility staff. Regular check-ins and appreciation go a long way in keeping you informed and your loved one well-cared for.
  • Use a 'connection kit' of familiar objects and scents to spark positive emotions when you can't be there in person.
  • Take care of yourself. Join a support group, get sleep, and see your own doctor. You can't pour from an empty cup.
  • Adapt your approach to the stage and type of dementia. What works today may not work tomorrow, and that's okay.
  • You are still a vital part of your loved one's life, even from far away. Your love and presence—in whatever form—matters deeply.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. 1. Establish a regular, brief video call schedule. Use FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom, and keep calls to 5-10 minutes. Ask the facility staff to help set up the call and be present to redirect your loved one if they become distracted. Aim for the same time each day or week, when your loved one is most alert (often after breakfast or a nap).

  2. 2. Send video messages instead of making live calls. Record a short video (30-60 seconds) of yourself talking about something simple—a bird you saw, a memory you share, or just saying 'I love you.' Send it to the facility staff, who can play it for your loved one at a calm moment. This allows them to watch it repeatedly, which can be comforting.

  3. 3. Mail physical letters, cards, or small packages. A handwritten letter, a card with a photo, or a small item like a soft scarf or a familiar-smelling sachet can be held and touched. Ask the staff to read the letter aloud or place it where your loved one can see it. This is especially helpful if your loved one has trouble with screens.

  4. 4. Build a relationship with the facility staff. Call or email the primary caregiver (nurse or aide) at least once a week to check in. Ask specific questions: 'How is Mom's appetite? Is she sleeping well? Has she had any falls or changes in mood?' This keeps you informed and shows the staff you are an involved, appreciative partner in care.

  5. 5. Attend medical appointments virtually. Ask the facility if you can join doctor visits via phone or video. This allows you to hear updates directly, ask questions, and be part of care decisions. Many healthcare providers are used to this and will welcome your participation.

  6. 6. Create a 'memory box' or 'connection kit' for your loved one. Fill a small box with items that have meaning: a favorite photo, a familiar scent (like lavender or a particular lotion), a soft fabric, or a recording of a loved one's voice. Ask the staff to use this during calm moments to spark positive emotions and memories.

  7. 7. Plan periodic visits to provide respite for the primary caregiver. If you can, schedule a visit every few months for a few days. This gives the local caregiver a break and allows you to see your loved one in person. Use this time to reassess care needs and update the care notebook.

  8. 8. Use technology for remote monitoring (with facility permission). Some facilities allow cameras in common areas or in the room. If this is an option, it can give you peace of mind. More commonly, you can use a medical alert system that your loved one wears, which can alert you to falls or emergencies.

  9. 9. Send a 'care package' of treats for the staff. A box of coffee, snacks, or a gift card for the unit can go a long way in building goodwill. Include a note thanking them for their care. This makes them more likely to go the extra mile for your loved one and to keep you informed.

  10. 10. Keep a journal of things you want to share. When you think of something you wish you could tell your loved one—a funny story, a memory, a worry—write it down. Later, when you visit or call, you can share these moments. This helps you feel connected even when you can't talk in real time.

What not to do

  • Do not call at random times without warning. A sudden phone call can startle or confuse a person with dementia, especially if they are not expecting it. Instead, schedule calls with the staff and let your loved one know ahead of time (even if they forget).

  • Do not expect a 'normal' conversation. If your loved one doesn't remember you, repeats the same question, or seems disengaged, don't take it personally. The disease is causing this. Focus on the feeling of connection, not the content. A simple 'I love you' or a shared song can be enough.

  • Do not overwhelm your loved one with too much information or multiple questions. Keep your language simple, use short sentences, and talk about one topic at a time. For example, instead of 'How was your day? Did you eat lunch? Did you see the doctor?' say, 'I saw a pretty bird today. It made me think of you.'

  • Do not neglect your own health and support system. Long-distance caregiving is stressful. If you don't take breaks, get sleep, and talk to someone about your feelings, you risk burnout. Join an online support group for long-distance caregivers or call the Alzheimer's Association helpline (800.272.3900).

  • Do not try to reason with your loved one if they accuse you of not visiting enough. A person with dementia may say hurtful things like 'You never come see me.' Do not argue or explain your schedule. Instead, validate their feelings: 'I know you miss me. I miss you too. I'm thinking of you right now.' Then redirect to a positive topic.

Practical tools

  • The 'Connection Kit' Box

    A small box or basket you prepare and send to the facility. Include: a favorite photo in a frame, a small stuffed animal, a familiar-smelling lotion or sachet (e.g., lavender), a soft fabric square, a recording of a family member's voice (on a simple voice recorder), and a card with a simple message. Ask the staff to use this during calm times to spark positive emotions.

  • The Weekly Check-In Script

    When you call the facility staff, use this structure: 1) Thank them for their care. 2) Ask about appetite, sleep, and mood. 3) Ask about any changes in behavior or medication. 4) Ask if there are any upcoming appointments or needs. 5) Offer to help with a specific task (e.g., ordering supplies, researching a symptom). This makes the conversation efficient and shows you are a partner.

  • The Video Message Template

    Record a 30-60 second video. Start with your loved one's name and your name. Say one simple thing: 'I saw a robin today. It made me smile.' Or 'I remember when we used to bake cookies together.' End with 'I love you. I'll talk to you soon.' Keep the background quiet and your face well-lit. Send the file to the staff via email or text.

  • The Care Notebook (File of Life)

    A physical folder kept in your loved one's room (with facility permission) containing: a list of current medications and dosages, a list of allergies, doctor names and contact info, emergency contacts, a copy of the healthcare power of attorney, and a brief note about your loved one's preferences (e.g., likes soft music, dislikes loud noises). This is invaluable for emergencies and new staff.

  • The 'Respite Visit' Plan

    If you can visit a few times a year, plan it as a respite break for the primary caregiver. Coordinate with them ahead of time: agree on dates, what tasks you'll handle (e.g., taking your loved one to an appointment, sitting with them for a few hours), and what the primary caregiver will do for themselves during that time (e.g., go out, sleep, see friends). This strengthens your team.

  • The 'Staff Appreciation' Kit

    A small care package for the unit staff. Include: individually wrapped snacks (granola bars, nuts), coffee pods or tea bags, a box of thank-you cards, and a handwritten note expressing your gratitude. This builds goodwill and makes staff more likely to go the extra mile for your loved one and to keep you informed.

Discuss with your clinician

Ask your loved one's doctor: 'Given their current stage of dementia, what type of communication (video, phone, letter) is most likely to be comforting rather than confusing?'

Ask the facility's nurse: 'Are there any times of day when my loved one is most alert and calm? Can we schedule calls around that time?'

Ask the doctor: 'Are there any medications or non-drug approaches that might help reduce agitation during video calls?'

Ask the facility social worker: 'What technology is available for remote visits? Are there any privacy or consent forms I need to sign?'

Ask your own healthcare provider: 'I'm a long-distance caregiver and I'm feeling overwhelmed. What resources or support groups do you recommend for my own mental health?'

Related guides

Sources