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Staying Connected from Afar: Virtual Shared Activities for Your Loved One with Dementia

When you can't be there in person, a screen can feel like a wall. But with the right approach, a video call can become a warm, shared space. This guide offers concrete, step-by-step strategies for virtual activities that focus on connection, not perfection. You'll learn how to set up for success, choose activities that match your loved one's abilities and interests, and navigate common challenges like frustration or lack of recognition. You are not alone in this, and small, intentional moments can truly matter.

Key points

  • Shift from 'talking visits' to 'doing visits' with simple, sensory activities.
  • Set up for success: choose the right time, minimize distractions, and have materials ready.
  • Keep calls short (5-15 minutes) and end on a positive note.
  • Do not correct or push; redirect gently to a calming activity.
  • Use music, familiar objects, and photos to ground the connection.
  • Track what works in a simple journal to improve future calls.

Why Virtual Connection Feels Different with Dementia

For someone living with dementia, a video call can be confusing. The person on the screen may not match the voice they hear, and the two-dimensional image can feel disconnected from real life. Their brain may struggle to process the fast-paced, multi-sensory input of a typical call. This is not a failure on their part or yours; it's a symptom of the disease. Understanding this helps you adjust your expectations and approach. Instead of aiming for a long, coherent conversation, you can aim for a few minutes of shared presence, a familiar song, or a simple, joyful activity.

The Power of Shared Doing, Not Just Talking

Many people with dementia find open-ended conversation difficult and stressful. They may struggle to find words, follow a thread, or remember what was just said. This can lead to frustration and withdrawal. The key is to shift from a 'talking visit' to a 'doing visit.' When you engage in a simple, shared activity—like looking at photos, listening to music, or sorting objects—the focus moves away from verbal demands and toward a shared sensory experience. This reduces pressure and creates a natural, comfortable way to connect. The goal is never to finish the activity; it's to enjoy the time spent together.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. 1. Set the stage for success before you call. Choose a time of day when your loved one is typically most alert and calm (often mid-morning, after breakfast). Ask the facility staff or the person helping them to have them seated comfortably, with their device propped up at eye level, and to minimize background noise (turn off the TV, close the door). Have everything you need for the activity ready on your end.

  2. 2. Start with a warm, simple greeting using their name and your name. Say, 'Hi, Mom, it's Sarah. I'm so happy to see you.' Keep your tone calm and smile. If they don't recognize you, don't correct them. Instead, say, 'I'm a friend who loves you very much. I brought some music you might enjoy.' This gentle redirection keeps the connection positive.

  3. 3. Use the screen to show something familiar and grounding. Hold up a photo album, a familiar object (like a favorite mug or a soft scarf), or a simple, large-print book. Ask open-ended, sensory questions: 'This scarf feels so soft. Can you see the blue color? What does it remind you of?' This engages their senses and memory without demanding a correct answer.

  4. 4. Engage in a shared, simple activity. Here are a few that work well virtually: Sing along to a familiar song from their youth (you can play it from your phone and hold it up to the camera). Do a simple hand-clapping or finger-tapping rhythm together. Sort a small pile of items on their tray (like large buttons or fabric squares by color) while you do the same on your end. The key is that you are doing it together, even if the actions are mirrored.

  5. 5. If they become confused or frustrated, stop the activity immediately. Do not push through. Take a deep breath, smile, and switch to something simpler. Say, 'That was fun. Let's just sit together for a minute. I love seeing you.' Sometimes just seeing your face and hearing your voice is enough. You can also try a brief, calming activity like watching a short nature video or looking out their window together.

  6. 6. Keep the call short and sweet. Aim for 5-15 minutes. It is far better to end the call while they are still engaged and happy than to push until they are tired or agitated. Say, 'I have to go now, but I had a wonderful time with you. I'll call again tomorrow. I love you.' This leaves a positive impression and builds anticipation for the next call.

  7. 7. After the call, take a moment to reflect. What worked? What didn't? Did they respond to music more than photos? Was a certain time of day better? Keep a simple log to track what activities and times seem most successful. This will help you plan future calls and feel more confident.

What not to do

  • Do not expect a two-way conversation. If you ask 'How are you?' and get no response, don't repeat the question louder. Instead, make a statement: 'I'm glad to see you today. The sun is shining outside.' This removes the pressure to perform.

  • Do not use complex or fast-paced activities. Avoid games with many rules, complicated crafts, or anything that requires quick thinking. This will overwhelm them and lead to frustration. Stick to simple, repetitive, and sensory-based activities.

  • Do not correct them if they mistake you for someone else or say something inaccurate. This can cause distress and damage the connection. Instead, go along with their reality. If they think you are their sister, say, 'Yes, it's me. I came to visit.' The goal is connection, not accuracy.

  • Do not force eye contact or expect them to look at the screen the whole time. They may look away, close their eyes, or fidget. This is normal. They are still listening and sensing your presence. Your calm, consistent voice is what matters most.

  • Do not visit when you are feeling rushed, irritable, or tired. Your mood will be picked up on their end, even through a screen. If you are not in a good headspace, reschedule. A short, positive call is far better than a longer, tense one.

  • Do not forget to involve the facility staff or a family member who is present. Ask them to help set up the call, to be nearby in case your loved one needs assistance, and to give you feedback on how your loved one seemed after the call. They are your partners in care.

Practical tools

  • The 'Name on Screen' Setup

    When setting up a video call, ensure your name appears on the screen (e.g., 'Sarah, daughter'). This visual cue can help your loved one recognize you even if their face memory is struggling. Many platforms like FaceTime, Zoom, and Skype allow you to set your display name. Ask the facility to have this visible before the call begins.

  • The 'Sensory Starter' Kit

    Prepare a small bag or box of items you can show on camera: a soft scarf, a familiar kitchen utensil (like a wooden spoon), a photo of a pet, a single flower, or a favorite song on your phone. Having these ready reduces fumbling and keeps the focus on connection. Rotate items to keep it fresh.

  • The 'Music Moment' Script

    Music is processed through the entire brain and is often the last thing to go. Use this to your advantage. Say, 'I found this song we used to dance to. Let's listen together.' Play it from your device and hold it up to the camera. You can hum, sway, or tap your fingers. If they can, invite them to clap or tap along. This shared rhythm creates a powerful, non-verbal bond.

  • The 'Redirect to Activity' Phrase

    When your loved one seems confused or upset, have a go-to phrase ready: 'Oh, look at this! I found something I think you'll like.' Then immediately show a photo or start a simple activity. This gentle redirection moves them from a stressful moment into a calming, shared experience.

  • The 'Short and Sweet' Timer

    Set a timer for 10 minutes on your phone before the call. When it goes off, it's your cue to start wrapping up. This prevents you from accidentally overstaying and ensures you end on a positive note. You can say, 'My timer says it's time for me to go. I'll call again tomorrow. I love you.'

  • The 'Post-Call Reflection' Journal

    Keep a small notebook or digital note where you jot down after each call: date, time, activity tried, their mood, and what worked/didn't. Over time, you'll see patterns that help you plan even better calls. This also gives you a sense of progress and control.

Discuss with your clinician

If your loved one becomes extremely agitated or aggressive during or after a video call, discuss this with their doctor. It may be a sign of unmet needs, pain, or a change in their condition.

If you are considering using any new technology or app for virtual visits, check with the facility's policies and your loved one's care team first. Some facilities have specific guidelines for device use.

If your loved one has a history of seizures or photosensitivity, be cautious with fast-moving images or flashing lights on screen. Discuss safe screen time with their neurologist.

If you notice a significant decline in their ability to engage or recognize you over several weeks, bring this up with their healthcare provider. It could be a sign of a new medical issue, such as an infection or medication side effect.

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