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The Positive Focus Technique: Catching the Good to Counter Negativity Bias

When your loved one with dementia is struggling, it is natural for your brain to lock onto every difficult behavior and forget the quiet moments of peace or joy. This technique, called 'catching them being good,' is a deliberate practice to rebalance your attention. By consciously noticing and reinforcing positive behaviors, you can reduce your own stress and rebuild the human-to-human connection that makes caregiving feel less like a battle. Here are concrete steps to start today.

Key points

  • Your brain is wired to notice problems; you must deliberately train it to also see the good.
  • Catch your loved one being good — even small moments of calm or cooperation count.
  • Use simple, warm phrases paired with gentle touch to reinforce positive behavior.
  • Keep a daily log of positive moments to counter your negativity bias.
  • For every correction or negative thought, find three positive things to notice.
  • This technique builds trust and makes future care easier by strengthening the human connection.

Why Your Brain Fixates on the Negative

As humans, we are hardwired to scan for threats and problems. When you are caring for someone with dementia, your brain goes into hyper-alert mode, constantly watching for what might go wrong — a fall, an outburst, a refusal to eat. This negativity bias is a survival instinct, but in caregiving it can make you feel like everything is falling apart. The truth is, there are also moments when your loved one is calm, enjoying a song, or simply not causing trouble. Those moments are easy to overlook because they don't trigger your alarm system, but they are just as real.

The Power of Deliberate Noticing

Research with spousal caregivers shows that those who focus on what they still have in their relationship, rather than what has been lost, report lower burden and greater satisfaction. They understand their partner cannot reciprocate and expect nothing in return. This positive focus is not about denying the hard parts; it is about training your mind to also see the good. When you catch your loved one being good — even if it is just sitting quietly or smiling at a memory — you are building a foundation of trust and cooperation. The more positive interactions you have, the more willing they will be to accept your care in the future.

How It Changes the Dynamic

When you shift from correcting and managing to noticing and celebrating small positives, something shifts. Your loved one feels seen and valued, not just as a care recipient but as a person. This human-to-human connection reduces their anxiety and defensiveness. Instead of a power struggle, you create a loop of goodwill: you notice something good, you acknowledge it, they feel safe, and they are more likely to cooperate. This is not about ignoring problems; it is about creating a climate where problems are easier to solve together.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Set a daily intention: Each morning, decide that for the next 24 hours, you will actively look for one small positive moment. It could be a smile, a moment of calm, or them completing a simple task. Write it on a sticky note if needed.

  2. Use the 'catch them being good' phrase: When you see something positive, say it out loud. For example, 'I see you are folding that towel so neatly, thank you' or 'You look so peaceful listening to that music.' Use a warm tone and make eye contact.

  3. Pair the positive with a gentle touch: If your loved one is not agitated, lightly stroke their arm or hand as you speak. This reinforces the connection and signals safety. The physical contact can help them feel your care.

  4. Create a 'good moments' log: Keep a small notebook or a note on your phone. Each evening, write down one positive interaction you noticed. Over time, this log becomes evidence that good things still happen, which counteracts your brain's negativity bias.

  5. Use positive redirection: When you need to redirect from a difficult behavior, first acknowledge something good. For example, 'I love how you are humming that tune. Let's go sit by the window and watch the birds together.' This makes the transition feel like an invitation, not a correction.

  6. Practice the 3:1 ratio: For every negative thought or correction you make, deliberately find three positive things to notice or say. This helps rebalance your internal focus and keeps the relationship from becoming all about problems.

  7. Celebrate 'not disturbing' moments: If your loved one is simply sitting quietly, not causing trouble, that is a win. Say, 'It is so nice to just sit here with you.' This validates their presence without demanding anything from them.

What not to do

  • Do not ignore the positive moments because you are too busy scanning for problems. This reinforces your negativity bias and makes you feel like nothing is going right. Instead, pause and deliberately shift your attention to what is working.

  • Do not correct your loved one when they are doing something harmless but imperfect, like folding a shirt wrong. Correcting them damages trust and increases resistance. Instead, praise the effort and let the small imperfections go.

  • Do not wait for big, dramatic positive events. The small, quiet moments — a shared glance, a hum, a moment of calm — are the building blocks of connection. If you only look for major victories, you will miss the daily gifts.

  • Do not use praise as a manipulation tool. If you only say something nice to get them to do what you want, they will sense the insincerity. Genuine noticing is about seeing them as a person, not as a task to manage.

  • Do not compare today to how they used to be. This leads to grief and frustration. Focus on the present moment and what is good right now, even if it is very different from the past.

  • Do not forget to apply this to yourself. Caregivers also need to catch themselves being good. When you handle a tough moment with patience, say to yourself, 'I did a good job just now.' Self-compassion reduces burnout.

Practical tools

  • The 'Good Catch' Phrase Bank

    Keep a list of simple, positive phrases ready to use: 'I love how you are smiling today,' 'You are doing such a great job with that,' 'It is so nice to spend time with you,' 'I appreciate your help,' 'You look comfortable and peaceful.' Say these with eye contact and a warm tone.

  • Daily Gratitude for Caregivers

    Each evening, write down one positive moment from the day. It can be as small as 'they ate a few bites without fuss' or 'they hummed along to a song.' This trains your brain to look for the good and builds a record of hope.

  • The 'Not Disturbing' Checklist

    Make a short checklist of neutral or positive states: sitting calmly, looking at a photo, humming, smiling, sleeping peacefully, not resisting care. Check off one each time you notice it. This helps you see that peace is more common than you think.

  • Positive Redirection Script

    When you need to redirect from a difficult moment, use this structure: 'I see you are [name the positive, e.g., tapping your foot to the music]. How about we [suggest a new activity, e.g., go for a short walk outside]?' This acknowledges their current state before offering a change.

  • Environment Cues for Positivity

    Set up a small area with items that trigger positive memories or feelings: a favorite photo, a soft blanket, a plant, or a music player with their preferred songs. When you need a positive moment, guide them to this spot and notice their reaction.

  • The 'One Good Thing' Ritual

    At the start of each care interaction (like helping with dressing or meals), pause and say one positive thing: 'I love your sweater today' or 'You have such a kind face.' This sets a cooperative tone before any task begins.

Discuss with your clinician

If your loved one shows sudden changes in mood or behavior that do not respond to positive focus techniques, discuss with their doctor to rule out infection, pain, or medication side effects.

If you find yourself unable to notice any positive moments for several days in a row, and you feel persistently hopeless or overwhelmed, talk to your own healthcare provider about caregiver depression or burnout.

If your loved one becomes agitated or aggressive when you try to offer praise or touch, discuss with a dementia care specialist to rule out pain or sensory sensitivities.

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