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not taking sundowning personally

Key points

  • Sundowning is a brain event caused by dementia-related damage and fatigue, not a personal attack or a reflection of your care.
  • Your loved one cannot control their behavior during sundowning—they are scared, confused, and overwhelmed.
  • Your calm presence is the most powerful tool you have. Your loved one picks up on your emotions, so regulate yourself first.
  • Use environmental changes (warm lighting, reduced noise, closed curtains) to send calming cues to their brain.
  • Engage them in a simple, hands-on activity about 30 minutes before sundowning typically starts to redirect their focus.
  • Take care of yourself after an episode—a few minutes of deep breathing or a quick walk can prevent burnout and help you stay compassionate.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Step 1: Pause and take three slow, deep breaths before responding. This gives you a moment to reset your emotions and prevents you from reacting with frustration. Your loved one will pick up on your calm energy.

  2. Step 2: Remind yourself out loud or silently: 'This is the dementia talking. They are not doing this on purpose. I am doing enough.' This verbal reframe helps break the cycle of taking things personally.

  3. Step 3: Check your own body language and tone. Keep your voice low, slow, and rhythmic. Avoid sudden movements or a tense face. Smile gently and use a reassuring phrase like, 'I am right here with you. We are safe.'

  4. Step 4: Reduce environmental triggers immediately. Close the curtains to block changing light, turn off the TV news or any fast-paced shows, and dim the lights to warm, amber tones. This sends calming cues to your loved one's brain.

  5. Step 5: Engage your loved one in a simple, hands-on activity about 30 minutes before sundowning typically starts. For example, fold napkins together, sort socks, look at a photo album, or offer a familiar task like setting the table. This redirects their brain away from anxiety.

  6. Step 6: If they are already agitated, change the scenery. Gently guide them to a different room, or step outside onto a porch or into the garden for a few minutes. A change of environment can ground them in the present and break the cycle of agitation.

  7. Step 7: Address any unmet physical needs. Ask simple yes/no questions: 'Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you need to use the bathroom?' Sometimes sundowning is worsened by pain, hunger, or a full bladder. Offer a small snack or a warm drink.

  8. Step 8: Use a calming sensory tool. Play soft music (like classical or nature sounds), offer a hand massage with lavender lotion, or give them a soft fabric or a fidget blanket to hold. These inputs soothe the nervous system.

  9. Step 9: After the episode, take two minutes for your own self-care. Step into another room, close your eyes, listen to a favorite song, or take a few more deep breaths. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your calm is the most powerful tool you have.

  10. Step 10: Keep a simple log for five days. Note the time sundowning starts, what happened before, what you tried, and what helped. Patterns will emerge, and you will feel more in control and less personally attacked.

What not to do

  • Do not argue or try to reason with them. Their brain cannot process logic during sundowning. Arguing will only escalate their agitation and make you feel more frustrated. Instead, validate their feelings: 'I see you are upset. Let us sit together for a moment.'

  • Do not raise your voice or use a sharp tone. This signals danger to their already overactive amygdala and will make them more anxious. Instead, speak softly and slowly, as if you were calming a frightened child.

  • Do not take their words at face value. If they accuse you of hiding something or say hurtful things, remember it is the dementia speaking. Do not engage with the content of the accusation. Simply say, 'I am here to help you. Let us find a way to feel better.'

  • Do not try to force them into an activity they resist. If they push away a puzzle or a snack, do not insist. That will create a power struggle. Instead, back off and try a different approach in a few minutes, like offering a warm blanket or a change of room.

  • Do not blame yourself or think you could have done something better. Sundowning happens even with the best care. As one expert says, 'Know that there is nothing that you could be doing better than you are doing right now.' Your presence and calm are enough.

  • Do not ignore your own emotional needs. If you feel overwhelmed, it is okay to step away for a few minutes (ensuring safety first). Call a friend, use respite care, or join a support group. You are not alone, and taking care of yourself is part of taking care of them.

Practical tools

  • The 'Brain Event' Mantra

    Write this phrase on a sticky note and place it where you will see it during evening hours: 'This is a brain event, not a personal attack. I am safe. They are safe. I am doing enough.' Repeat it to yourself whenever you feel hurt or frustrated.

  • Calming Evening Routine Checklist

    Create a short checklist for 4:00 PM each day: (1) Close curtains, (2) Switch to warm/amber lighting, (3) Turn off TV news, (4) Put on calming music or nature sounds, (5) Offer a small snack or warm drink, (6) Have a simple activity ready (photo album, fidget blanket, sorting task). This routine sets the expectation for a peaceful evening.

  • The 'Redirection' Phrase Bank

    Memorize these phrases to use in the moment: 'I am right here with you.' 'Let us sit down together.' 'Would you like to hold this soft cloth?' 'I see you are worried. Let us look at this picture.' 'You are safe. I am not going anywhere.' Avoid asking 'why' questions, which require reasoning they cannot access.

  • Sensory Calming Kit

    Assemble a small basket with: a lavender-scented hand lotion, a soft fleece blanket, a fidget cube or textured fabric squares, a small photo album of happy family moments, and a playlist of calming music (e.g., classical piano, ocean waves). Use these items proactively before sundowning starts.

  • Five-Day Sundowning Log Template

    Keep a simple notebook or a note on your phone. For each day, record: (1) Time sundowning began, (2) What happened in the hour before (activity, visitors, noise level), (3) What you tried (snack, music, change of room), (4) What helped or did not help, (5) How you felt afterward. Patterns will help you feel more prepared and less personally targeted.

  • Self-Care Timer

    Set a timer on your phone for 2 minutes after a sundowning episode. Use that time to step away, close your eyes, and take slow breaths. This small reset prevents you from carrying resentment into the next interaction and reminds you that your well-being matters.

Discuss with your clinician

Ask your loved one's doctor: 'Could a urinary tract infection or other medical condition be making the sundowning worse, especially if it started suddenly?'

Discuss whether a low dose of melatonin (starting at 0.5 mg) might help regulate their sleep-wake cycle, and what the appropriate timing and dose would be.

If sundowning includes severe agitation, hallucinations, or safety risks, ask about non-drug approaches first, and only consider medications as a last resort. Request the smallest possible dose if medication is prescribed.

Ask about a referral to an occupational therapist who can create a personalized sensory and environmental plan for your loved one.

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