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Focusing on What Works: A Practical Strategy for Solving Caregiving Problems

When caregiving feels overwhelming and it seems like nothing you try makes a difference, shifting your focus from what's going wrong to what's going right can be a powerful problem-solving tool. This approach isn't about ignoring challenges; it's about noticing small moments of peace, cooperation, or joy, and then asking yourself what made those moments possible. By studying your successes, you can discover practical, repeatable strategies that reduce stress and build positive interactions, even in the midst of dementia's difficulties.

Key points

  • Focusing on what works, not just what's wrong, is a proven strategy to reduce caregiver stress and find practical solutions.
  • Use a daily log to record one small positive moment and analyze what made it possible.
  • Replace the thought 'nothing works' with the question 'what worked, even a little bit, and why?'
  • Mindfulness helps you notice small successes you might otherwise miss.
  • Celebrate your own small wins as a caregiver to build resilience.
  • Personalize your approach based on the dementia type, stage, and your relationship with your loved one.

Why Focusing on What Works Changes Everything

When you're in the thick of caregiving, it's natural to zero in on problems: the agitation, the refusals, the repetitive questions. Your brain is wired to spot threats and fix what's broken. But this constant problem-focus can leave you feeling defeated, as if nothing you do matters. The thought 'nothing will work' becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, draining your energy and closing you off to creative solutions. As one expert notes, when caregivers believe nothing will work, they stop looking for new approaches, even though there are unlimited ways to respond to difficult behaviors (Dementia Careblazers).

The Science of Noticing: How Mindfulness Helps You See What's Working

Mindfulness isn't just about meditation; it's a practical tool for caregivers. It means paying close attention to what's happening right now, without judging it as good or bad (Dementia Help Hub). When you practice this, you can catch the small moments that go well: the bath your loved one accepted without a fight, the meal they ate peacefully, the five minutes they sat calmly with you. Instead of rushing past these moments, you pause and ask: 'What was different about this situation? What made it more enjoyable or peaceful?' This simple shift trains your brain to look for solutions, not just problems. It's like being a detective of your own successes.

From 'Nothing Works' to 'What Worked This Time?'

The key is to replace the thought 'I've tried everything' with a curious question: 'What worked, even just a little bit, and why?' One expert shares how caregivers in her program learn to notice when a loved one who usually resists bathing suddenly seems more willing. They then analyze that moment: Was the water warmer? Was the lighting softer? Was the caregiver calmer? By identifying the specific conditions that led to a positive outcome, they can intentionally recreate those conditions (Dementia Careblazers). This isn't about fixing everything overnight; it's about making small, incremental improvements that build on each other. Over time, you collect a toolkit of what works for your unique situation.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Start a 'What Worked Today' log. Each evening, write down one small moment that went better than expected, no matter how tiny. It could be a smile, a shared laugh, or a task completed without resistance. This trains your brain to look for positives.

  2. After noting the positive moment, ask yourself three questions: 'What was different about this situation? What did I do differently? What was my loved one's mood or environment like?' Write down your answers.

  3. Identify one element from that positive moment that you can try to repeat tomorrow. For example, if your loved one ate well when you played soft music, try that music again at the next meal.

  4. Practice 'catching' your loved one doing something good. Instead of only reacting to problems, actively look for moments of calm, cooperation, or engagement. Say something like, 'I see you're enjoying that puzzle. That's wonderful.' This reinforces positive behaviors.

  5. Use a timer to remind yourself to pause and observe. Set an alarm for every two hours. When it goes off, take 30 seconds to notice what is happening right now. Is there any sign of peace or connection? If yes, note it.

  6. Share your 'what worked' observations with a support group or a trusted friend. Talking about successes, even small ones, helps you internalize them and reduces the feeling of isolation.

  7. Create a 'success recipe' card for a recurring challenge. For example, if morning care is difficult, write down the exact steps that led to a good morning once. Keep this card visible as a reminder of what has worked before.

  8. Celebrate your own small wins as a caregiver. Did you stay calm during a difficult moment? Did you remember to take a deep breath? That is a success. Acknowledge it. This builds your resilience and motivation.

  9. Review your 'What Worked Today' log weekly. Look for patterns. You might discover that your loved one is calmer after a walk, or that they respond better to redirection when you use a gentle touch. Use these patterns to plan your caregiving routine.

  10. When you feel stuck, revisit your log. Remind yourself that you have solved problems before. This breaks the cycle of 'nothing works' and gives you concrete evidence of your own capability.

What not to do

  • Don't focus only on what went wrong. This leads to burnout and the belief that nothing works. Instead, balance your attention by actively looking for small successes, even on hard days.

  • Don't compare your loved one's progress to others. Dementia progresses differently for everyone. What works for one person may not work for another. Focus on your own small wins and what is unique to your situation.

  • Don't expect perfection. Letting go of the belief that you must handle everything perfectly relieves tremendous pressure (Dr. Camille Sinclair). Celebrate progress, not perfection. A five-minute calm interaction is a win.

  • Don't ignore your own feelings. If you're feeling frustrated or hopeless, acknowledge it. Suppressing emotions makes it harder to see what's working. Take a moment to breathe and say, 'I'm feeling frustrated right now, and that's okay.' Then, gently redirect your focus to a small positive.

  • Don't try to replicate a success exactly without considering context. What worked yesterday might not work today if your loved one is tired or sick. Be flexible and adapt the 'recipe' to the current moment.

Practical tools

  • The 'What Worked' Journal

    A simple notebook or digital note dedicated to recording one positive moment each day. Use these prompts: 'What went well today?' 'What was different about that moment?' 'What can I try again tomorrow?' This tool helps you build a personal library of effective strategies.

  • The 'Pause and Notice' Alarm

    Set a gentle alarm on your phone for every two hours. When it goes off, stop what you're doing for 30 seconds. Take three deep breaths. Then, silently ask: 'What is going well right now?' Even if the answer is 'I am breathing,' that counts. This mindfulness practice trains your brain to see positives.

  • The 'Success Recipe' Card

    For a specific challenge (e.g., bathing, meals, bedtime), write down the exact steps that led to a positive experience once. Include details like time of day, lighting, music, tone of voice, and any phrases you used. Keep this card in a visible place (e.g., on the fridge) as a quick reference.

  • The 'Catch Them Being Good' Phrase

    Use a simple, warm statement when you notice a positive behavior. Say: 'I love how you're sitting so calmly right now.' or 'You did a great job eating your lunch today.' This reinforces the behavior and creates a positive emotional connection.

  • The 'One Thing' Checklist

    Each morning, write down ONE thing you will try to replicate from a previous success. For example: 'Today, I will play the same music that helped during breakfast yesterday.' This keeps your focus on action, not worry.

  • The 'Gratitude Pause' Before Bed

    Before you sleep, take one minute to think of three small things that went well today, no matter how small. This could be a shared smile, a moment of quiet, or a task completed. This practice rewires your brain for positivity and improves sleep quality.

Discuss with your clinician

Ask your doctor: 'Could my loved one's agitation be related to an untreated infection or pain? Sometimes physical discomfort is the root cause of difficult behaviors.'

Discuss: 'Are there any medications that might be contributing to my loved one's confusion or agitation? A medication review could identify a culprit.'

Ask: 'What are the signs that my loved one's behavior change is a medical emergency, not just a typical dementia symptom?'

Discuss: 'I'm feeling overwhelmed by the belief that nothing works. Are there counseling or support resources that could help me reframe my thinking?'

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