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Person-centered communication scripts (what to say/not say)

Key points

  • Always validate feelings before facts. Enter their reality, do not correct it.
  • Use short, one-step instructions. Break every task into single actions.
  • Avoid arguing, correcting, or using logic. It is not a fair fight and will escalate distress.
  • Your tone, facial expression, and touch matter more than your words. Stay calm and open.
  • Offer simple choices to give a sense of control. Avoid open-ended questions.
  • Redirect with positive memories or activities from their life story.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Step 1: Get their attention before you speak. Approach from the front, make eye contact, and say their name. Wait until they look at you. If they are distracted by TV or noise, turn it off or move to a quieter spot. One source says, 'getting the person's attention is really key' (Caregiver Stress).

  2. Step 2: Use short, simple sentences with one idea at a time. Instead of 'Let's go brush your teeth and then get dressed for the doctor,' say 'Let's go to the bathroom.' Then, 'Let's get your toothbrush.' Then, 'Now let's put toothpaste on it.' Breaking tasks into single steps reduces overwhelm (All Home Care Matters).

  3. Step 3: Validate their feelings first, even if the facts are wrong. If they say 'I want to go home' while sitting in their own living room, do not correct them. Instead, say 'You miss home, don't you? Tell me about your home.' This acknowledges the emotion behind the words (Dementia With Grace).

  4. Step 4: Offer a simple choice that gives them a sense of control. Instead of 'You need to take a shower now,' try 'Do you want to take your shower before or after your coffee?' Or 'Do you want the blue towel or the green one?' This avoids a power struggle while still moving toward the goal (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

  5. Step 5: Use distraction and redirection when they are stuck on a distressing thought. If they are upset about a lost item, say 'I will help you look for it. Let me check the kitchen.' Then guide them to a different room or activity. One source suggests using 'life story' cues—like mentioning a favorite hobby—to shift focus (Caregiver Stress).

  6. Step 6: Speak slowly, calmly, and with a normal pitch. Do not raise your voice; raising your voice raises the pitch and makes it harder for them to understand. Use gestures naturally, like pointing or miming, but avoid exaggerated movements that might feel patronizing (All Home Care Matters).

  7. Step 7: If they become agitated, use 'emotional anchoring.' Lock eyes, gently touch their hand or knee, and say in a low, calm voice: 'I see you are upset. I am here to help you. You are safe.' This de-escalates tension by making them feel seen and heard (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

  8. Step 8: When they refuse care (like bathing or medication), try a 'positive approach' script. Instead of 'You have to take your medicine,' say 'It is time for your heart pill. It helps keep you strong. I will get it for you.' Or use a distraction: 'Let's go look at the garden first, then we will take your pill.'

  9. Step 9: If they accuse you of stealing or lying, do not defend yourself. Say 'I am sorry you feel that way. I want to help. Let's look together.' Then engage them in a search, even if you know the item is not missing. This validates their concern without arguing (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

  10. Step 10: End every interaction with a positive note. Even if the task was not completed, say 'Thank you for trying. You did great.' This leaves them with a feeling of success and safety, not failure (Dementia Care Hub).

What not to do

  • Do not say 'Calm down.' This almost always makes things worse because it feels dismissive and controlling. Instead, use emotional anchoring: 'I see you are upset. I am here to help you' (Dementia With Grace).

  • Do not argue or try to convince them of facts. Saying 'You already ate dinner' or 'That is not true' triggers defensiveness and escalates distress. Instead, validate the feeling: 'You are hungry? Let's get a snack' (Answers About Alzheimer's).

  • Do not use long, complex sentences or multiple instructions at once. Their frontal lobe, which processes instructions, is damaged. Instead, give one step at a time: 'Let's go to the bathroom' (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

  • Do not speak about them as if they are not there, even if you think they cannot understand. They may catch bits of negative tone or words, which can cause hurt or paranoia. If you need to vent, do it in another room (Dementia Careblazers).

  • Do not use baby talk or a high-pitched voice. This can feel infantilizing and increase agitation. Speak in a normal, calm adult tone, but slower and clearer (All Home Care Matters).

  • Do not correct their reality about time, place, or identity. If they think it is 1952, do not say 'No, it is 2025.' Instead, enter their world: 'Tell me about 1952. What was your favorite thing to do then?' (Alzheimer's LA).

Practical tools

  • The 'Validation and Redirect' Script

    A two-part phrase to use in almost any difficult moment. Part 1: Validate the feeling. 'I can see you are upset about [the thing].' Part 2: Redirect to a positive action. 'Let's go look at the garden together.' This works for accusations, refusals, and confusion.

  • The 'One-Step' Communication Card

    A small card you keep in your pocket or on the fridge that reminds you to break tasks into single steps. Write: 'Step 1: Get attention. Step 2: Say one thing. Step 3: Wait for response. Step 4: Next step.' This is especially helpful when you are stressed and tempted to rush.

  • The 'Emotional Anchoring' Technique

    When your loved one is agitated, use this three-part approach: (1) Lock eyes, (2) Gently touch their hand or knee, (3) Say in a low, calm voice: 'I see you are upset. I am here to help you. You are safe.' This de-escalates by making them feel seen and heard (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

  • The 'Life Story' Cue List

    Create a list of 5-10 positive memories or activities from their past (e.g., 'You loved gardening,' 'You used to sing in the choir'). When they are stuck on a distressing thought, use one of these cues to redirect: 'Remember how much you loved the roses? Let's go look at the garden.' This taps into preserved long-term memory (Caregiver Stress).

  • The 'Quiet Communication Corner'

    Set aside a specific area in your home with soft lighting, minimal clutter, and comfortable seating. Use this spot for important conversations. Reduce distractions by turning off the TV and closing doors. This helps the person focus on your words and feel calm (Alzheimer's LA).

  • The 'Simple Choice' Menu

    Prepare two acceptable options for common tasks (bathing, dressing, eating). Offer them as a choice: 'Do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt?' or 'Do you want your bath before or after your coffee?' This gives them a sense of control without derailing the task (Dr. Camille Sinclair).

Discuss with your clinician

If your loved one's agitation or aggression is frequent or escalating, ask the doctor if there might be an underlying medical cause (e.g., infection, pain, medication side effect) that needs treatment before communication strategies can work.

If you are considering using medication to manage agitation, discuss the risks and benefits with the prescribing clinician. Do not start or stop any medication without medical guidance.

If your loved one is in a facility and staff are not using person-centered communication, ask the care team for a care plan meeting to request training or adjustments.

Related guides

Sources