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Using 'wow' and 'whoa' to stay curious when surprised

Key points

  • Dementia equals surprise — expect the unexpected and prepare your mindset, not just your schedule.
  • Use 'wow' or 'whoa' as a mental pause button to shift from reaction to response.
  • Stay curious, not corrective: ask 'What might be going on for them?' instead of 'Why are they doing this?'
  • Validate feelings, not facts — you don't have to agree with a false belief to acknowledge the emotion behind it.
  • Keep your responses short, simple, and focused on the present moment.
  • After the surprise, reflect and learn — patterns will emerge that help you prepare for next time.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. 1. Pause and say 'wow' or 'whoa' silently or softly. Take one slow breath. This buys you a few seconds to shift from reaction to response. Do not speak to the person yet — just center yourself.

  2. 2. Name what you see without judgment. Say to yourself: 'Okay, something unexpected just happened. Mom is yelling. Dad is pacing. A family member just showed up unannounced.' Naming it helps you stay grounded.

  3. 3. Ask yourself one curious question: 'What might be going on for them right now?' Consider physical needs (hunger, pain, bathroom), emotional triggers (fear, frustration, confusion), or environmental factors (too loud, too bright, too many people).

  4. 4. Use a gentle, open-ended phrase to engage the person. For example: 'Wow, I see you're upset. I'm here with you. Can you help me understand what's happening?' Or: 'Whoa, that's a lot. Let's take a moment together.'

  5. 5. Match their emotional tone, not their words. If they are angry, acknowledge the anger without matching it: 'I can see you're really frustrated. That makes sense.' If they are happy or excited, smile with them (source [7]).

  6. 6. Offer a simple, concrete action that redirects or soothes. For example: 'Let's sit down and have a drink of water.' Or: 'I'll take care of that right away. You are safe here' (source [17]).

  7. 7. If the surprise involves a false belief (like accusing you of stealing), do not argue. Instead, join their reality briefly: 'I hear you. Let's look together and find it.' Then gently shift focus to something positive (source [17]).

  8. 8. After the moment passes, take a mental note. Ask yourself: 'What did I learn? Was there a pattern? A trigger?' This helps you prepare for future surprises.

  9. 9. If you are with other family members or visitors, use the 'wow' pause before responding to them too. For example, if a relative shows up uninvited, say to yourself 'whoa' before speaking, then calmly say: 'Thanks for coming. Let's step outside for a moment to talk.' Avoid arguing in front of the person with dementia (source [3]).

  10. 10. End the interaction with warmth. Even if the surprise was difficult, a gentle touch on the arm or a kind word like 'I'm glad we're together' can repair any tension and reinforce connection.

What not to do

  • Do not react with shock or anger. Saying 'What now?' or 'Why are you doing this?' in a sharp tone will escalate the situation. Instead, use the 'wow' pause to stay calm.

  • Do not correct or argue. Telling someone with dementia 'That's not true' or 'I already told you' only increases their frustration and confusion. Instead, validate the feeling behind the words.

  • Do not test their memory. Asking 'Don't you remember?' or 'I told you 10 minutes ago' is humiliating and unhelpful. They truly cannot remember, and reminding them of their deficit damages trust (source [8]).

  • Do not ignore the surprise or pretend it didn't happen. Dismissing a strong emotion or a false belief can make the person feel unheard. Instead, acknowledge it briefly and then redirect.

  • Do not take it personally. The person with dementia is not doing this to you — they are reacting to their own internal experience. Your mood and tone matter more than the content of their words (source [7]).

  • Do not try to reason or explain your way out of the surprise. Long explanations are overwhelming. Keep your response short, simple, and focused on the present moment.

Practical tools

  • The 'Wow' and 'Whoa' Phrase Cards

    Write 'wow' and 'whoa' on two small index cards. Tape them to your bathroom mirror, car dashboard, or phone case. When a surprise hits, glance at the card and say the word aloud or in your head. This physical cue helps you pause before reacting.

  • The 'Curiosity Checklist' for After the Surprise

    Keep a small notebook or a note on your phone with these three questions: (1) What happened? (2) What might they be feeling? (3) What need is underneath? After the moment passes, jot down a quick answer. Over time, you'll spot patterns and feel more prepared.

  • The 'Redirect Script' for Accusations or False Beliefs

    Memorize these three go-to phrases: 'I hear you. Let's look together.' 'I'll take care of that right away.' 'You are safe here.' These validate without arguing and open a door to distraction (source [17]).

  • The 'One-Breath Reset' Practice

    When you feel the shock of a surprise, place your hand on your chest and take one slow breath in for 4 counts, out for 4 counts. Say 'wow' or 'whoa' on the exhale. This calms your nervous system and keeps you from reacting harshly.

  • The 'Family Visitor Script' for Unannounced Guests

    If a relative shows up without warning, say: 'Thanks for coming. Let's step outside for a quick chat.' This keeps the person with dementia out of the middle of any conflict. Then, calmly explain that visits need to be planned to avoid overwhelming your loved one (source [3]).

  • The 'Emotion Mirror' Technique

    When the person with dementia is upset, match their emotion with your face and tone — not their words. If they are angry, look concerned and say softly, 'I see you're upset.' If they are happy, smile warmly. This builds trust and helps them feel understood (source [7]).

Discuss with your clinician

If the person with dementia has sudden, dramatic changes in behavior or cognition (e.g., new aggression, hallucinations, or confusion that lasts more than a day), discuss with their doctor to rule out infection, medication side effects, or other medical causes.

If you find yourself unable to pause or stay calm during surprises — if your own stress is leading to yelling or harsh words — talk to your own doctor or a therapist. Caregiver burnout is real, and you deserve support.

If the person with dementia is on medications that affect mood or behavior, ask the clinician whether any recent changes could be contributing to unexpected reactions.

Related guides

Sources