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Caring for Someone You Don't Love or Who Hurt You: Handling Resentment and Conflicting Emotions

This article is for family caregivers who are caring for someone with dementia or Alzheimer's—a parent, spouse, or relative—who was not loving, supportive, or even hurtful in the past. You may feel resentment, anger, guilt, or confusion about why you are doing this. These feelings are completely human and normal. The good news is that you can learn concrete strategies to manage these emotions, set boundaries, and find a sense of purpose in your caregiving, even when love is not the driving force. You are not alone, and there are real, practical steps you can take today.

Key points

  • Resentment is a normal human emotion—acknowledge it without judgment, and it will lose its power over you.
  • Your caregiving is a choice that reflects your own values, not an obligation to someone who hurt you. This reframe can reduce feelings of victimhood.
  • Their hurtful behavior is a symptom of dementia, not a personal attack. Remind yourself of this to avoid taking things personally.
  • Set clear boundaries for what you will and will not do, and have a plan for when you feel overwhelmed.
  • Replace guilt with regret—it reduces shame and opens the door to learning and growth.
  • You are not alone. Seek support from a support group, therapist, or trusted friend. Sharing your burden lightens it.

Why You Feel Resentful and Conflicted

Many caregivers find themselves in a situation where they are providing care for someone who was not loving or kind to them. This can be a parent who was critical, a spouse who was emotionally distant, or a relative who was abusive. The reason you are caring for them may have nothing to do with love or obligation to them—it may be about the kind of person you want to be, the example you want to set for your children, or your own values of kindness and compassion. As one expert notes, 'the reason you're caring for that person might have nothing to do with them and might have everything to do with the type of person you want to be' (source [1]). This is a powerful reframe: your caregiving is a reflection of your own character, not a repayment for theirs.

Resentment Is a Normal Human Response

Feeling resentful does not make you a bad caregiver—it makes you human. Resentment often comes from a sense of being a victim, feeling powerless, or believing you have no choice. As one expert explains, 'the resentment is usually poor me, I'm a victim... when we feel we're a victim, then we're angry and we feel powerless' (source [5]). The key is to recognize that you always have a choice. You may choose to care for this person because it aligns with your values, not because you are trapped. This shift from 'I have no choice' to 'I am choosing this' can reduce resentment and restore a sense of control.

The Pain of Unresolved Past Hurts

When you care for someone who hurt you, every interaction can trigger old wounds. You may find yourself feeling angry, sad, or overwhelmed by memories of past mistreatment. This is completely normal. As one source puts it, 'every day you're kind of being reminded of something from your childhood that was really hurtful and hard... there's gonna be some negative emotion, it's completely human and normal' (source [8]). The goal is not to suppress these feelings, but to acknowledge them and decide how you want to respond. You can choose to say, 'Just because she wasn't good to me growing up, that doesn't mean I can't be a great caregiver' (source [8]). This is a powerful thought that can change your experience.

General caregiving information, not medical advice. Check medications and major care changes with your clinician.

Step-by-step

  1. Acknowledge feelings of resentment, anger, or sadness privately (e.g., via journaling) without judgment.

  2. Reframe caregiving as a personal choice reflecting your values, not an obligation for past debts.

  3. Set clear boundaries in advance with a specific plan to step away if verbal or physical abuse occurs.

  4. Use a calm redirection phrase like 'I see you're upset; how can I help?' when they say hurtful things, and remind yourself it is the disease speaking.

  5. Grieve the relationship you wanted but never had—you may never receive apology or closure.

  6. Build a daily self-care ritual that belongs only to you, such as five minutes of silent tea, journaling, or a short walk.

  7. Reach out to a therapist or caregiver support group to avoid carrying old wounds alone.

  8. Permit yourself to step back, hire paid help, or consider placement if resentment becomes overwhelming or the situation unsafe.

What not to do

  • Do not suppress or ignore your feelings—bottling resentment leads to burnout or emotional collapse.

  • Do not take their hurtful words personally or argue about past hurts, as they likely cannot remember.

  • Do not expect apology, acknowledgement, or change—dementia rarely allows such resolution.

  • Do not let resentment spiral into guilt or self-blame; treat yourself with the compassion you offer them.

  • Do not isolate yourself or compare your journey to other caregivers—your history of pain is your own.

Practical tools

  • The 'I Choose' Statement

    Write on a sticky note: 'I am choosing to care for [name] because it reflects who I want to be—kind, strong, compassionate—not because I owe them.' Repeat aloud when resentment rises.

  • The Boundary Script

    Practice and write down: 'I can do [specific task], but I will not tolerate [specific behavior]. If that happens, I will [step out/end visit/call for help].' Decide in advance to avoid heat-of-moment decisions.

  • The 'Symptom, Not Personal' Reminder

    When they say something hurtful, pause and say to yourself: 'This is a dementia symptom, like a runny nose from a cold. It is not about me.' Then redirect: 'I see you're upset. How can I help?'

  • The Five-Minute Journaling Practice

    Keep a notebook by your bed. Each evening, write for five minutes: 'Today I felt resentful when...' and 'One thing I did well today was...' This provides a safe outlet for feelings and highlights your strength.

Discuss with your clinician

If you are experiencing severe depression, anxiety, or thoughts of harming yourself or the person you care for, seek immediate professional help.

If the person you care for has a history of violence or becomes physically aggressive, discuss safety planning and medication options with their doctor.

If you are considering placing your loved one in a facility due to resentment or burnout, talk to a social worker or elder care attorney about your options and rights.

If you are on medication for anxiety or depression, discuss any changes in your symptoms with your prescribing clinician, especially if caregiving stress is worsening your condition.

Related guides

Sources